Today I have just been kind of down in the dumps. And I think just in the last minute or two have put my finger on why. 5 Years. Its a wonderful celebration, and I am glad to be going away and all this weekend. But 5 years. I honestly thought our life together would be different by now. With one little baby, maybe a small house, and the start of a bright future together. But most of the 5 years have been littered with sadness, trials, and disappointment. Not much of a beginning.
Sometimes I wonder why me? I mean, I will admit that some of the things that have happened to us have been from mistakes that we/I have made. But isn't that the story of life? Others make mistakes don't they? Other are learning and growing and making mistakes too aren't they? I just feel like why me? Why does everything have to be so hard? Why does the first 5 years of my marriage have to be littered with such grief, such heartache? Why can't we just have a baby so that I would feel at least one thing was going right for us?
I know this is such a depressing post, but it really brings it in perspective for me why I feel such sadness on the night before a fun weekend with my husband. At times I even feel that he should move on, and find someone that can give him a family, that doesn't have to fight this sorrow and depression that hits from nowhere. But I'm grateful he has stuck it through with me.
Sometimes I just wonder what the purpose of my life is here? I know I have said this before, but I feel like I'm at such a standstill. Then I start to feel well, why aren't I working then? Why am I not getting a career and making things easier on us financially? Its a multi-faceted answer for me because of some other struggles, but I feel that some of the reason is because I feel like I'm giving up. And I'm not sure I am really ready to start living my life childless yet. To me I feel like it will be finally admitting to myself that someday will never happen. It causes me such anxiety....
All I have ever wanted from a very young age was to be a wife and a mother. My dad, who was so wonderful instilled such wonderful and positive feelings about being a mother and a wife and how important that role is. But now I think I feel lost. Like an identity crisis almost. A career just does not interest me in the least. But if I never become a mother, what other choice is there? Its not okay with others out there that I stay home, and a lot of times its not okay with me that I stay home.....its just an endless vicious cycle, that never ends until I finally push it out of my mind and try not to think about it.
I dunno, I have had these thoughts tumbling around in my mind for awhile, which was contributing to my sleeping problems. Technically our 5th "anniversary" of trying to start a family is in April, so there may be some more depression around then again. Oh the joy....
Maybe I will have to convince Nate to take me out for a little retail therapy. Thanks to those people out there that read and encourage me, and surround me with love...sometimes its that love that helps me to face another day. I love all those who contribute to my life in a positive and uplifting way. <3
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