Thankful Thursday

My sister in law does this on her blog, and I am going to steal the idea! Its good to reflect on the things I'm grateful for.

I'm so grateful for Nate. I don't know where I would be without his example, his love, and encouragement.

I'm grateful for my dad. His example has had such a huge impact on me. I hope to have a testimony like his one day.

I'm grateful for Joseph Smith. I can't believe all the things he went through, and had iron clad faith. He was a wonderful man, and I'm grateful for all the sacrfices he made in his life to bring the gospel forth, so I could have it in my life.

And lastly, but not least, I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost. I am grateful for the comfort, inspiration and help I recieve everyday.

Had a couple of "sad" days...

The past couple of days have just been kind of sad for me. Sometimes that happens to me. I am just going along, and then I hit a wall. Its a hard feeling, to see others around you, with their beautiful families. To hear of another family member or friend is about to add another beautiful child to their family. Its hard to know that my joy will never be complete in this life. I will always be sad for the babies I wished I had been blessed with in this life.
I know what most are thinking, oh you are only 25. You still have plenty of time. But when you go through something like this, its hard to believe it will ever change. Its hard to think that one day maybe 7 or 8 years down the road, I will wake up to a positive pregnancy test. So very unlikely, and I feel as though God has prepared me for the answer of 'no'.
I still believe in God though, and everything that includes. I believe that through my Savior Jesus Christ, I can have my burden be lighter. I can have days where the sun shines brightly, and I find a joy in this world that fills my heart to overflowing.
I believe I can still contribute something positive to this world. I can leave a legacy in my nieces and nephews and other children I come in contact with.
I just wish that I was like everyone else. Most don't even really think about getting pregnant, at least it feels that way. Its just one day, a positive test. I just have to have faith I guess that there is a reason for this trial in my life. And that one day I will be blessed with children, which God has promised.
Its just been a sad couple of days.....

So much to be Thankful for

Well, October is coming to a close. Its sad in some ways because October is one of my favorite months, because I love the Fall and all the Fall colors. Perfect for picture taking! As you can see in this picture of my niece. Its a fun time of year!

Things have been busy but fun. Our nieces and nephew are coming up a lot more, mainly because like I said my nephew is taking guitar lessons from my dad, and ALL 3 of my nieces are taking piano lessons from me now, which I think is so much fun! It feels like I'm passing something on, which has helped me a lot with some of my feelings and things.

I'm already getting so excited for Christmas lol, I dunno why. As far as financially its not going to be much of a Christmas for Nate and I, but I guess thats not really what the season is about. I'm often in quiet awe when I think of my Saviors birth, and that's one of the biggest reasons why I love Christmas.

There is so much to be thankful for, when you stop and pause. When you can see past the fog of trials and tribulations, you can really see God and His blessings in your life. Sometimes I forget to look for those, but today I'm just feeling so grateful for all His blessings.

Halloween is coming and our costume is funny. Not really anything spectacular, but I will be sure to take pictures. Its makes me chuckle when I think about it!

Anyways, Happy Halloween week! :D

Halloween Musings....

I'm just sitting here, really wanting to write a blog, and I cannot for the life of me think of what to write! But I wanted to share a picture of me and BJ, in Halloween costumes that my Mom made for us.

Obviously I am the little "ghost". So cute. Its hard to believe that its been 20 years since my mom passed away. Sometimes it feels like I just appeared here on earth without being born, which is so weird. I really don't know what my mom is like, but also at the same time I have always felt her presence close by all my life.

I have had a lot of neat experiences, that have to deal with my mom, and I have been grateful all of my short 25 years of life, that I have never questioned there being a life after this one. Other parts of the gospel have made me blink but never have I questioned that I would see her again.

My sister just passed the age that my mom passed away at. And it gets you wondering sometimes if you will be afflicted with the same disease. Cancers are so scary. Especially the type of Breast cancer my mom had. It is a lesser known type, and very aggressive.

She must have had such a drive in her to stay with her family, she battled cancer for over a year. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering she went through with all the chemo and radiation she went through. As I get older, I come to realize some of the feelings she must have felt but I just cannot imagine waking up everyday with the fear it could be your last.

This is my family before I was born, BJ is the baby.

I can't wait for the day that my family will be whole again, and I can finally meet and get to know the woman that brought me into this world.

I'm grateful for the knowledge of Eternal Families, and that my family will be together again if we are faithful. I love each of my family members so very much. I feel very blessed for the life that God has given to me, and His watchful eye over me my whole life.

I'm also grateful for the trials that He has given me. As crazy as that seems. When I am trying to live my life the way He wants me to, I know that I am becoming clay in His hands, to be molded to a wonderful and amazing piece of art.

Life is crazy, that much is true. I just hope that my Mom is up in Heaven watching over my little spirit children, that I know will be mine one day. More then likely in the next life, but we were never guaranteed a perfect life here. I have had to learn and accept that as the truth, and move on, and rely on my Father in Heaven.

Mothers are so very special, and I hope anyone that reads this will send their mom a note, just telling them they love them and are grateful for them.

But, I have also been blessed with a wonderful father here on earth! How blessed and grateful I feel. I hear many people say that they don't really know their dads, and I'm grateful that I can count him not only as my father but one of my dearest friends. His faith and testimony are quiet, but speak in such powerful ways. He has taught me so many things, and when he is finally laid to rest in years from now I pray, that I will be missing him here on earth, but what a reunion will be witnessed in Heaven!

Anyhow, strange how this blog turned out. Not exactly what I was thinking I would talk about. But, maybe someone needs to hear it, or maybe it will just let others get to know me a little better. Well, that's all I'm going to say for now, which is an earful! LOL!

Picture of me and my Mom is over on the left hand side, I don't have many pictures of her, at least on my computer sorry. But I just wanted to end with a quote from Joseph Smith that I read today. "How consoling to the mourners when they are called to part with a husband, wife, father, mother, child, or dear relative to know that, although the earthly tabernacle is laid down and dissolved, they shall rise again to dwell in everlasting burnings in immortal glory, not to sorrow, suffer, or die any more, but they shall be heirs of God, and joint heirs with Jesus Christ." Joseph Smith Jr, found in the Teachings of the Presidents of the Church book, but was a discourse given in 1844.

Till next time then! :D

Last Weekend!

Last weekend we spent some time with our niece's and nephew. It was a really awesome and fun weekend. Its always a little sad after they leave though, because the house seems so empty. In some ways its a relief so we can get back to our routine as usual, but I end up missing them a lot. The good news is my nephew and my niece are going to be coming up more often hopefully. My nephew is wanting to take guitar lessons from my dad, which is awesome, and I started teaching one of my nieces piano.
Also, I took them out and took some pictures of them on Saturday. I'm trying to hone in my skills a little, because I REALLY want to get something going with photography. I love shooting people, and can't really imagine anything I would rather do for a career. Its stressful, but so much fun. Here's just a few pictures I took of them, I picked out my favorites.






My little niece was missing her two front teeth, and I thought it was just the cutest thing to be able to capture! She will enjoy looking at those when she is older I imagine. Anyhow, if anyone that reads this wants pictures I would be glad to take them! :D

Another tag....

I realize I did a tag last post, but I have been tagged like 5 times or so to do this. Bascially # of things about you. So to appease it all, I will do the 50 one. LOL. I hope this isn't offensive to anyone, because you are supposed to be honest. And I have to say sorry too because a lot of it is negative. So really if you don't want to read that's cool. Its more a release for me anyway. :) So here is the 50 things about Tami:

1- I love most every animal. I can't stand to watch those commercials with the song Angel playing because the dogs look so sad....I almost cry everytime I watch them. Even thinking about it makes me sad.
2- I love movies. I will watch most any movie, as long as its not rated R, or really just stupid crude humor. I do sort of like chick flicks, but I prefer the Marvel comic, and adventure movies over chick flicks.
3- I have 16 (soon to be 17 in April) Nieces and Nephews. I love each and every one of them, and love spending time with them all.
4- I have two cats, and would probably have more animals if I lived in my own house. I love my kitties, and don't even really remember what life was like before them.
5- I don't get along with girls very well, I never have. I have a hard time making and keeping friends especially if they are girls.
6- I am really scared of Spiders and Bees. I run away from bees, and refuse to buy anything, or use anything yellow. Spiders just creep me out, I will kill them and stuff, but yuck!
7- I wonder most everyday, what my life would be like if my Mom had won her battle against cancer. I usually think I would be a better, nicer, smarter, more beautiful person.
8- I'm addicted to TV and Video Games. Bad habits for sure, but it kills time sometimes.
9- I don't recognize myself before about 5 years ago. When I look at pictures of myself before that, I can't really even remember being that person. She was a lot happier, with a lot of less things weighting on her mind. I get glimpses of her at times, but most the time, I feel like a totally different person.
10- I usually don't feel like anyone gets me. I feel like I'm living such a different life then everyone around me. Sometimes I feel like I am under a magnify glass, and that people are doing experiments on me to see how hard they can push a person before they crack....weird huh?
11- I am pretty positive I will never be a mom. And it has changed my world, and not in a good way. Its a perspective on life most other people will never experience, and will never understand.
12- I have developed anxiety. Its started to get under control lately, which I am so glad for, but it makes it hard to leave my house. Its a crappy feeling, and most people think I make up that I have it.
13- I love to read. I love to escape reality and be in a world where my trials and burdens don't exist.
14- I miss playing the piano. I haven't had much desire to play a lot, and my "skills" are starting to weaken. I wish I would practice as much as I used to.
15- I love to listen to music. I love to sing to music, but it annoys people so I don't do it very often. I never stick on one certain genre long though. I used to love boy bands but all most can't stand them anymore.
16- I hate most every fruit. Give me ANY veggie though and I will probably eat it, and if I have never had it, I will at least try it. I love spinach, peas, and brussel sprouts too!
17- I love to make people laugh. I think its probably something in my genes, but I say random things, and people laugh. Its a good feeling, especially because no one can make you laugh like yourself!
18- I love to exercise. No one would guess that by looking at me, sadly, but once I get on a routine I love the feeling of exercising and feeling healthy.
19- I roll my eyes a lot....
20- I love Disney. All though lately my passion for it is dwindling. I still like to go to Disneyland, but I think a lot of the magic has gone out of it, and it makes me sad.
21- I have taught myself how to stop from crying. I have gotten a tough skin, and its actually hard to get me to cry. I do every so often, but most the time, my feelings are trapped inside. I have learned how to paste on a fake smile, and pretend like I'm happy. But for people that are extremely close to me, and I can let my guard down with because I feel safe, they get the waterworks, and feelings. But only occasionaly.
22- I love my big brother (BJ) a lot. I miss being close to him, and consider him one of my best friends even though we don't talk as much as I wish we could. He's an awesome brother though, and I'm glad he was there for me growing up. (I love my other brothers too, just me and BJ were always thrown together)
23- I really admire my Dad. He's a kind person, and I love talking to him. I wish I could be like him in so many ways.
24- I don't go to my mom's grave as often as I should. Its too hard for me. Something about being a motherless childless daughter makes my mom's death all most like it happened yesterday. Its been hard not to become bitter, and a lot of times I feel I am heading that way.
25- Nate is the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I feel like I'm living in my own little world sometimes, the nights he's been able to hold me, have literally saved my life.
26- I LOVE Christmas! I start listening to Christmas music in October. I play Christmas music on the piano year round. I vaguely remember my mom at Christmas and its the few memories I do remember about her. I think I got my love for Christmas from her.
27- I have always wanted a Volkwagon Beetle. I still do, as long as its not yellow. *Bees*
28- I would love to travel. But don't think I will ever set foot off the USA.
29- I would love to visit the historic sites out East of the LDS Church. I hope to travel there one day.
30- I am obsessed with pioneers. I have all the seasons of Little House on the Prarie on DVD, and I asked for a bonnet for my 14th Birthday. I have been to the LDS Church museums in Salt Lake to many times to count, and will probably go thousands of more times before I die.
31- I have a fear that we will never own our own house. I want desperately to be a home owner.
32- I also have a fear that I will get Breast Cancer. I don't know if I could get a masectomy. I all most think I would rather die most the time.....
33- I get along with Single people the best. My friend Lauri and I are a prime example of that. There is a lot of the same feelings associated with being single and childless in our society and my religion. Its nice to have someone to talk to. (Luv ya Laurs!)
34- I love to be outdoors. But I don't like to be outdoors alone. I love to just sit and breathe in the fresh air and I love to camp. I am hoping Nate and I will be able to make it to Green River next summer.
35- I usually feel like I was born in the wrong era. I love everything about the 50s and 60s. I love the music, the TV shows, the clothes, everything. It was a really good time in American history to live.
36- I have seen every episode of I Love Lucy more then once. I still laugh my head off, and think it was probably one of the best TV series EVER.
37- I am having a really hard time thinking of other things to say....
38- I love to take pictures of people. I am still a beginner for sure, but I'm learning. I love everything about Weddings. But I'm not sure I could follow through with photographing them, because in a lot of ways it makes me feel sad.
39- I feel like my life is at a standstill. I feel like everyone around me is moving on, and having new and wonderful experiences and my life has stopped dead in its tracks. I age of course, but I have met the end of my adventures.
40- I worry about and miss my sister most every single day.
41- I often wonder why people are so mean, and why they can't accept people for who they are. If we were all the same, life would be so boring....but then at times I wish I could be like everyone else.
42- I like to mess around on my computer. I especially like Photoshop. Its fun. Its usually open on my computer with something going on in it.
43- I still like to play with little kids toys. I was playing Littlest Pet Shop with my niece this weekend. Its fun.
44- I get sick a lot. I get strep throat all most every year. If anyone around me is sick, I get sick too.
45- I hate having bare feet. I always have socks on, mostly because I have really dry feet. Dry feet on blankets. EWWWWW.
46- I have to have a blanket of my tummy when I sleep. Even if its really hot. I can't sleep without one.
47- Angel one of my cats, only sleeps with me. She either sleeps on me or right next to me. Its cute and comforting.
48- I get onery when my house gets really dirty. I can't stand it. And nothing else will make me happy until my house is cleaned.
49- I have learned over the past 4 years, that I can't ever assume I understand how someone else feels. I have to remind myself of that, but I have learned that behind a smile there can be a broken heart. I wonder sometimes if people are hurting but I'm to shy and self concious to help if its a stranger.
50- Only in the past 4 years have I really learned what its like to ask my Savior for help to carry a very heavy burden. He has healed my heart and soul so many times, and I rely on my faith that He truly understands my sorrows. I struggle to rely on Him, and wish my faith was stronger. But I'm grateful for His help through my life.

Well, that's me in a nutshell. Its hard to answer those questions because I don't really even understand myself and my feelings half the time anymore, but oh well. Its still nice to let some of those thoughts out! :P

I was tagged forever ago...

LOL I was tagged forever ago to do this, and I totally forgot! But decided to do it anyway, even though it was forever that I was tagged. :D
*What is his name? Nathan Blaine Robite
*How long have we been married? I have a counter on my desktop, 4 years 233 Days!
*How long did we date? On and off for about 8 months and then were engaged for six more
*Who eats more? Sadly enough, me.
*Who said I love you first? I did. He told me around my birthday in 2003, but I said it way before that.
*Who is taller? Nate is, by 3 or 4 inches.
*Who sings better? I probably am, but Nate has gotten better at singing since we got married. :)
*Who is smarter? I would say Nate is smarter at book smarts for sure, but I'm smarter at problem solving.
*Whose temper is worse? ME! But Nate can have a temper too sometimes. His is just harder to get riled up. LOL
*Who pays the bills? I actually pay them but we both know what's going on. We work on our budget together, and then during the month I just make sure the bills are paid on time.
*Who does the laundry? Its really either of us. Sometimes I do it all before he gets home, but other weeks we are both doing it, switching it and everything
*Who cooks dinner? Well, we don't really "cook" dinner much anymore, we just make our own stuff, but when we have a formal meal I usually do. I think Nate has cooked maybe 5 times in our whole marriage!
*Who drives when together? Usually Nate does, but there are sometimes I drive when he's tired or something.
*Who is more stubborn? Hummm that one is really a toss up. We are both pretty stubborn.

*Who is the first to admit when wrong? Its also a toss up. We both do eventually but I really don't know who does first....Its probably one that switches.

*Who wears the pants in the family? Hummm I really don't know. These are hard questions. Its hard to pin this stuff on one person. Its usually give and take for us. We fill in for each other when the other one is being lazy lol

*Who mows the lawn? Nate mowed my dads lawn a couple of weeks ago, and if we had our own lawn he would do that too. I have never used a lawn mower. Sad huh?
*Who kissed who first? Nate kissed me first. He was scared to do it though, and we were each others first kiss. After the first kiss he's like "how long is it supposed to last??" We were hooked after that lol
*Who asked who out first? Nate asked me out. But I called him first. He was about to call me to ask me out when I called him.
*Who proposed? Nate! And I was surprised! I knew he was going to ask me, I just didn't know when. I thought he would wait awhile longer.
* What is my favorite thing about him? I love everything about him. He teaches me things, through his patience and positive attitude. He inspires me to be a better person. He loves me so completely even when I don't love myself. He really is my rock, my lover and my best friend. It really feels like most of the time that we complete each other , even though that sounds cheesy. He's the bust hubby ever!