Glimpse into the life of a childless couple....

These are just some things that I feel most people don't see about childless couples. Just as mother's are so vastly different from each other, so are childless mother's. No case is the same, they grieve and deal with infertility in so diverse ways, that I know for people its a hard thing to know what to say. But maybe something I say here will help others to understand the thoughts and feelings a little better, and maybe even help someone they know how is childless. "We" will refer to childless couples:

1. We hear advice ALL the time, from people who know of our situation, and those who just found out. Such advice for example is: "Well, are you sure you know what you are doing?" "You just aren't trying hard enough." "You should adopt. Usually when a couple adopts they end up getting pregnant." These are just some of the things that I have experienced, that honestly don't help at all. Especially the last one. The statistics are only 2% of adoptive couples go on to conceive their own biological children. An answer for this is just to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, that must be so hard. If there is anything I can do to help let me know." And really mean it.

2. We are often told by people with children, "I know exactly how you feel." Please don't assume you know how we feel, even if it did take you 6 months to conceive a child. You can understand some of the same things with the trying to get pregnant side, I will say that. But at the end of the day you go home to a child who says "I love you mommy." While I go home to a completely empty and silent house. A better alternative would be to say "It took me 6 months to conceive my child. I can't imagine how hard it would have been for longer. How hard that must be."

3. We can't always control our emotions. Sometimes I can be so brave, and face things head on, and it slides down my back like water on a ducks back. But then there are other times where my emotions come out of left field and hit me like a ton of bricks. Like the family reunion that totally took me for surprise when I saw all my cousins who's life's had moved on, and feeling like mine had stopped dead in its tracks. I'm happy for others and their joy, but sometimes it reminds me of my own loss.

4. We get shuffled around at church. Some Bishops are so nervous and unaware of what to do with childless couples, they end up either not giving them a calling at all, or they end up putting them in "safe" callings. These are callings that deal with adults strictly. Maybe some couples prefer it that way, but I sometimes wish Bishops would just ask the couple how they would feel about such callings.

5. We are told how "lucky" we are all the time. So many people have told me that we are so lucky not to have any children. That they miss spending time with their spouse. But if those children weren't there we all know how you would really feel, because we are living it! We understand that motherhood is hard. I know I will never understand how a frazzled mother can feel, with all the things they do everyday. But I also know that when your little child looks at you and smiles, or hugs you and tells you they love you, you feel it was all worth it. And for people with children, there will come a time again when its you and your spouse again. Childless couples will always be in the state they are in, nothing more then husband and wife. Not mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa. At each stage of your families life, and new experiences, there will be no new experience for us. We don't view this as "lucky".

6. We are told many mean things to our faces or behind our backs. We are told that we just wouldn't make good parents, that's why God didn't send us a family. That we weren't faithful enough. That we aren't doing something right in our lives. Yes there really are people in our own church that say these things. I have experienced them on more then one occasion. But what about all the other suffering in the world? What about the people who live their life right, and just have things thrown there way? Sorry, I don't believe any of that garbage. We are in a natural and fallen state, subject to every little thing that this world can give us. And sadly that means infertility. I don't believe God had anything to do with my infertility. If anything I believe He wishes He could cure it, and send me my own children. Sadly, this is what I was given here, with my imperfect body.

7. We are told all the time to "just adopt." Adoption isn't for everyone. For many reasons adoption may not happen. It is VERY costly to adopt. And for a lot of couples, scary. You never know if before the adoption is finalized if that birth mother will come and snatch that child away. Or if you adopt an older child, if they will end up having behavioral problems. Sometimes its even just a very distinct NO from our Father in Heaven. Some countries have very strict adoptive guidelines too, China for example, you have to be in a certain income bracket, and you have to be in good health, between a certain age, and within you BMI calculation. But what people don't realize is adoption doesn't always fill that void. Women often feel the exact same way they did before the child came into their life. They feel joy in their new child for sure, but when its all said and done, they are still infertile. They will still never go through pregnancy, they will still never go through the bonding a mother and baby go through, the father will never get the talking to the baby in the tummy and rubbing the moms belly. They give up on a huge dream when they choose to adopt. And then they fear if they do have their own child, that they will love the adopted child less. They don't, but the fear is there.

8. We have a hard time making friends, and keeping them. There is always the risk when you have another couple as friends, that they will eventually conceive. Though its possible to be friends with this couple still, most often times it doesn't happen. The other couple gets wrapped up in their family, which we feel happy for them, but it gets hard to understand the other peoples perspective. Oftentimes childless women start to prefer the company of men, because other women start to talk about all the things having to do with children. Since we have nothing to contribute, we end up with the men who talk mostly about sports, computers, and other things.

9. We do at times feel blessed. For me on a good day, I will be feeling like there are blessings hidden in the sadness. There are times when I realize that we have so much more freedom to do things then others, who have to put their family first. This can even go on for a time. But inevitably the dark times will come. Sometimes its spurred by really odd things. But just like those around us, we will have bad days too.

10. We don't always understand our own feelings. Sometimes I have no clue how I feel. My feelings get fizzled out because I get exhausted. So sometimes I don't feel at all. LOL. Sometimes I'm just breathing in and out for that moment, and that's really it.

I hope this helped someone. And maybe it didn't, but it helped me to sort out some of my feelings. There are a lot of things that could apply here, the golden rule, don't judge others etc. But I think that the April 1916 Relief Society magazine summarized it well in an editorial entitled The Childless Ones. "Let our tongues be wise and our comments slow."